Collection

Accounting, capitalism & corporate life

Accounting is the language in which the modern world explains itself to itself, and like any language it can be used to tell the truth, to obscure it, or to make a career. The pieces gathered here — fiction, satire, dialogues and aphorisms — keep returning to that ledger: to auditors performing diligence, to IFRS as a kind of liturgy, to the quiet violence of a restructuring, to the recruitment interview as a rite of passage, and to the strange devotion that office life extracts from people who never meant to give it. Capitalism appears less as an economic system than as a set of manners; bureaucracy less as inefficiency than as a way of distributing blame until no one holds any. What links these works is not a subject but an attention: the suspicion that the most revealing thing about a person is what they are willing to sign off on. Everything here already exists elsewhere on the site; this page simply gathers the pieces that keep coming back to the ledger and the open-plan floor.

Once an accountant always an accountant
Aphorisms

Once an accountant always an accountant

#Tweedie rules

Noah Blue · 3 min read

There comes a time in every accountant’s life when they ask themselves the question: what have I become?

The audit close meeting
Dialogues

The audit close meeting

We’ve all been there

Noah Blue · 3 min read

These days, junior auditors are encouraged to speak their truth, even and perhaps especially in audit close meetings. It’s good for our mental health to feel included, empowered etc and ultimately leads to better audit outcomes. A win-win if ever there was one!

Essential skills for accountants: topic 1
Aphorisms

Essential skills for accountants: topic 1

#beak

Noah Blue · 2 min read

The ostrich-like refusal to see an infraction for what it is, is the defining feature of a certain swashbuckling type of so-called c-suite executive.

Precision peptides have arrived
Aphorisms

Precision peptides have arrived

#spread the word

Noah Blue · 2 min read

The tediousness of an accounting memo is the point. The less people who can be bothered to read it the better.

Accountants have feelings
Aphorisms

Accountants have feelings

Like the rest of us

Noah Blue · 2 min read

Technical accountants are often accommodated in windowless, airless, soulless basement offices. This is in fact the environment in which they flourish.

The interview
Dialogues

The interview

#real world

Noah Blue · 3 min read

Interviewer: would you do pretty much anything if the company told you it was the right thing to do?

Accounting aphorisms
Aphorisms

Accounting aphorisms

Niche

Noah Blue · 1 min read

I am not remotely prejudiced. Some of the best people I know are accountants.

Office chat
Dialogues

Office chat

Verbatim

Noah Blue · 4 min read

There are only jobs, soul-destroying ones. Careers are a myth, the sole purpose of which is to mollify and subvert your innermost doubts about the capitalist system.

Finance: an introduction to the basics
Aphorisms

Finance: an introduction to the basics

For beginners

Noah Blue · 1 min read

Investing, if you are to be successful at it, requires nothing less than the negation of the present moment in perpetuity.

A derelict room with peeling walls, a glowing CRT television, and a sagging sofa in teal-tinted darkness
Aphorisms

Aphorisms impaled on a spike

Meaning they aren't going anywhere

Noah Blue · 1 min read

Bullshit jobs pay well. Or at least they did. Now the best bullshitter in town is eating our lunch. Soon it will be eating us. After that it will eat itself.

alcoholic workaholic
Fiction

alcoholic workaholic

Speaks for itself

Noah Blue · 33 min read

I live alone. Of course, technically, I live with my wife, but that doesn’t really count. I mean, whilst it is true we sometimes exchange words, they’re so banal, so empty of meaning we might just as well not bother exchanging them. So, take it from me, to all intents and purposes I live alone.

Caitlin Brown
Fiction

Caitlin Brown

An excerpt

Noah Blue · 23 min read

The fact that we had been lovers complicated things obviously, for me anyway. I realised this during Caitlin’s yearly appraisal.

For as long as he can remember, S has been on the verge of jacking it all in
Fiction

For as long as he can remember, S has been on the verge of jacking it all in

Cringe

Noah Blue · 27 min read

S’s wife packs her stuff and moves out of the marital home, taking the dog with her, which is fine by S (he never did like the yappy glorified rat anyway). The day after his wife leaves him, S tells his boss he’s quitting with immediate effect.

a (gratuitously) bawdy caper with capitalist undertones
Fiction

a (gratuitously) bawdy caper with capitalist undertones

#white-collar worker

Noah Blue · 18 min read

The office is dank and smells of onions and something else that I don’t know the noun for. The guy on the other side of the desk has a handlebar moustache and a nervous twitch. He is staring at me and I am staring at him, neither of us inclined to say anything.