A while ago now I came across, and made a point of memorising, the word ‘evert’. Two reasons. One, I have vocab OCD. Two, it struck me then, and continues to strike me now, that this is a pretty useful verb for someone like me to have at their disposal.
I increasingly find myself qualifying things before I say them. It’s as if I have to tick things off my ideological checklist before I feel able to say what is actually on my mind. Why? Why do I do this? It’s not as if my interlocutor gives a shit one way or the other. I mean I’m not even sure I do.
Self-loathing is a form of lunacy, no doubt about it. It arises wherever a moralising ideology infects an immunocompromised psyche. There is no known cure, although with the right treatment, the most debilitating effects of the condition can be ameliorated to some degree. Of course, for some people it can prove fatal.
The kind of person who babbles to a therapist without compunction is not to be trusted. I know that. And yet again and again I let my guard down. Said one therapist to another during a so-called supervisory session.
The negation of striving. That is the Buddhist credo in a nutshell. Seems so simple. Just stop basically. Stop doing the stuff you think you have to do. And do what instead? Well that’s when you realise it isn’t quite so simple. Hence why so many would-be Buddhists decide they’re not cut out for it after all, although they may continue to feign that they are. Only the crazy few have what it takes to cease having any purpose whatsoever.
I’ll keep this oblique. A has a thing for B. On a good day A senses B feels the same way about him. On a bad day, A is convinced he is imagining things, and that B either finds him annoying or irrelevant or both. Most days A is simply unsure. Which is kind of tragic, given that B does have a thing for A, would like nothing better than for him to make the first move and ravish her. She lays awake at night fantasising about it in fact. Just as A lays awake at night fantasising about her making the first move and ravishing him.